What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 02:31
What did i know ?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i do to all so called friends.?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
All the time i was locked up.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One cannot live in the past .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
What are the withdrawal symptoms of Klonopin 1mg?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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I don,t even have a pension.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ive learnt so much.
Would this be the day?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But it wasn’t much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
How do I seduce a maid for sex?
Who then, do I blame.?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We were not on the streets..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was very sick at this time too.
I said to her
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I have no regrets .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My life is so biszare .
But, we were locked up after school.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
When she asked me how she looked .
So, i spoilt her more .
I was seconnd youngest,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It was going to be , some day.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
This is soul school!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I waited trembling.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im still living with it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And i lived it daily.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She wouldn,t have been !
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He knew the spot.
So whats the point in blame.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She found it foreign!.
Put me off passion for life!!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He resisted the act ,that day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I will be 64.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My family never makes their pension either.
I think the readers, may guess!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was scared of men, in general
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was 9 years of age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Comes on , in middle age.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We all went to grammer schools
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was in good health!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Especially a lifetime of it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She married twice! .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She loved him until the end.